How I found myself

Sometimes I feel that I am lost in a crowd, lost in life, and lost in the shuffle of madness that is having a 5 year old daughter. You see it’s like this, I have worked incredibly hard on myself both mentally, and physically. I work hard to accept and love the person that I am and understand my limitations. I work hard to make sure that my family is taken care of and happy and I try to do this without making myself crazy in the process. But now at this point , at 30 years old I have found what works for me. Bootcamp 3-5 days a week, eating gluten free, sewing custom children’s costumes and jui jitsu two days a week are what works. It makes me feel better and helps me to be the person that I need to be for myself and others. I love treating myself well and venting in the right ways. Or at least that is the ideal, but unfortunately sometimes you fall off the horse. This horse is a really big horse and it’s hard to get back onto it. It’s difficult to do the things that I need when i get out of the habit of doing them and it makes me feel like a failure when I don’t come back from it and other people tell me that they admire me and think i am doing a great job. The secret is sometimes I am not with it. Sometimes I find myself slipping and the guilt pours into me and that next thing I know I am sitting in the parking lot of Mcdonald’s binging on cheeseburgers, fries, pies and soda. All while understanding how horrible, damaging and dangerous this “food” is. You see unlike other people I don’t have the excuse of not understanding what I am doing to myself. I understand the dangers of these foods for most people and especially for me with my gluten allergy. But I do it I eat this and then it becomes a spiral and I keep eating like this and gaining weight and getting depressed  in a horrible cycle. If it were relegated simply to food it would be one thing unfortunately though it is not. This spills into every part of my life and instead of staying on our schedule and getting the things that I need to get done, done I make mistakes, forgot appointments and feel harried.

So when you get to this point how do you get out of it? It takes listening to a story about someone else that has struggled with harder addictions than food and came out of it for longer that I have. So yes food is an addiction for me, this is the truth. When i get upset or have any problems I turn to food and I eat until I am sick. This is not some silly cop-out, this is the truth I have a serious problem with food. They say the first step is admitting it and so i guess that this blog post for me is the first step. The next step is to get back to the things that work for me. Starting with bootcamp bright and early at 5 am on Monday morning. I need to and want to because I need to be the woman that my family needs and I need the peace that my brain desires.

With Love,

The DFL